the point of no return

Chris has allowed me to borrow Forever Freestyle, a two-disc compilation of freestyle classics and, by his account, “the only comp I ever felt compelled to purchase off a television commercial.” Made by the same company that perhaps erroneously titled another comp Tha Down Low. The cover art of Forever Freestyle is a photorealistic depiction of two hot boricuas standing, sweatily, along the NYC horizon — illuminated in red, presumably from the heat off all that trebly synth. It’s one dude in a white fluffy shirt and a lady w/doorknockers and a gold lame disco dress a la Donna Summer, both looking like they’re finna find a good time, out here, tonight, in 1987. Oh yeah and the lady has Giant Bangs.
More importantly: Freestyle: You Will Never Die. I mean, okay, I have spent nights in 2006 at the spot when DJ Ayres delves deep into his mind-crest and drops Noel or Stevie B, and the dancefloor clears except for me and perhaps five others, among a crowd waiting for the next reprisal of “Hustlin,” or waiting, perhaps, for a super-exclusive Baltimore refix of the Golden Girls theme song, or some other such cross-conversational wacky-tude. But seriously: “Point of No Return” followed by “Bad of the Heart” followed by “Can You Feel the Beat” followed by “Together Forever” = a mindful and unfuckwithable selection of dance CLASSICS. Few of these cats could really sing like church-sing, but it didn’t matter so much because you could tell they felt it. And it’s relevant today, I think, because newer non-singing minor dance-pop singers (i.e. Cassie, Amerie, and lesser-known ladies like Paula DeAnda) are “in the spirit of” freestyle, or at least similarly hitting the right moment (and the right production) to bestow them with a coupla hits. Tho freestyle’s purpose was always a little more chaste, depicting love or dancefloor politics and sometimes drama but rarely sexual fortitude, explicitly or otherwise.
I have a video of myself in 4th or 5th grade doing a choreographed dance to Expose’s “Come Go With Me.”
Memo to Sofia Coppolla: after the 52nd minute of watching dainty Kirsten Dunst try on Manolos, eat petits fours, and NOT do it with Jason Schwarzman, I was ready to storm Versailles, too. I mean, I feel where you’re coming from on the teen-sympathy defense (though you were a little untenably mushy about it) but like… comment-dit “narrative arc”?

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7 Responses to the point of no return

  1. bf says:

    funny, i actually saw that exact same commercial and ended up downloading every single song on it. “diamond girl” by nice & wild is that shit

  2. MAUREEN says:

    is that the tape that was produced by DJ Ron Popeil?

  3. djbrokenwindow says:

    “point of no return”! Go Oregon freestyle! (they were from Corvallis, but of course had to get their first hit out on a label from holland before they could make it to the charts) That singer still lives and sings (jazz) in pdx

  4. Eat My Shorts says:

    haha about Mary Antonette. I dont want to say it butis sofia a hack? i want women to do well cause they aint really a woman director on a good lev el but like jshep say hopw about a narrative arc instead of kewl retro music all the damn time. thyats her style, basically play some kewl euro pop over every scene.

  5. ramona says:

    point of no return is a song by expose- who are from miami- trust- there was no freestyle scene in oregon -oregon, while lovely lacks the draaaaam you need for freestyle -plus its sorta white..
    julianne pick up tommy boy’s 7 cd freestyle series – its insane – thye ahd all the joey gardner stuff/jelly bean etc..

  6. jshep says:

    with due respect mr. brokenwindow, i believe the OR freestyle you refer to is actually corvallis electro in the form of “I Can’t Wait” by Nu Shooz, whose singer is indeed a portland-based jazz musician, and who have recorded a 25th anniversary smooth jazz version of same here:

  7. ramona says:

    corvallis electro? that’s an oxymoron…
    TB freestyle series 7 volumes of l-o-v-e- pajama party safire liseet melendez, joey gardner tka george lamond im amped just writing the names.. the fun house lives!

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