MORE LIKE PONY TRAINERS

Reluctantly, we hit the barren wildes of Greenpoint cause A-Trak was DJing and ya collective hilween, aka my posse, we all wanted to dance. The man driving the car we called was very certainly drunk. He told us he didn’t know where he was taking us so we would just have to come over to his house, while zipping between Brooklyn bridge traffic like Frogger (but twas we who were finna be squashed). Slow down we said, all three of us in the backseat row calling our moms, sisters and friends to look up the directions to the club on the internet. Because if not, we were surely going to end up at some seedy bar in Jersey refusing tequila shots and bra-feels from this dude.
Rachael’s sister saved it. We took two left turns and ended up in this Polish-meeting-pub-ternt-cavern with a bunch of girls dressed up like Lily Allen. A-Lines and Doorknockers. Man. A guy was rolled up in a carpet under the bar, under a sign that said “step on carpet.” We couldn’t decide if it was performance art or if he was gonna get off on our heels piercing the tender flesh of his belly. Then this band Steed Lord came on (No Klaxons.)
STEED LORD had 27 or 38 trance-length songs, all of which they played, all of which sounded like track 14 on MTV’s Jock Jams 1999, the CD you bought from the $1.99 cut-out bin because it featured that one gay Cher anthem with the vocodor – but that the rest of the tracklist was booty or kitsch at best. Steed Lord got the nu rave memo. It was 9 am ecstacy hangover after the actual party died. Twitches, phantom hairgrowth. The works. Their music, hammering with jacked-off techno spirit-chords and sub-triumphant one-note chainsmoker melodies – like they got the right KLF cassette, but learned all the wrong lessons from it. Anyway its central tenet was not the music, but more the necessity of recreating an assumed “feeling” brought on by an era – it was more than aggressively retro, though. Not nostalgic. They were no Nas Hip-Hop is Dead. They were wearing neon glow make-up and yelling at us. In between every song, they played the dancehall “guns being shot” sound effect, which had nothing to do with anything except the hype dude’s dookie ropes and a Dipset fetish, maybe, and bummed me out in a serious way – like DUDE YOU ARE FROM ICELAND. Your nation believes in water sprites.* Why must you go to the glock with it? Rhythm is a dancer, people.
Then A-Trak rescued the evening with shit we loved and Rachael and Sarah and I tore up the floor for hours and some dude stuck a camera in our faces** and I danced with Nick and I think he invited me to a barbecue but I don’t really remember so if I missed a barbecue, sorry Nick. I totally would have gone.
* Iceland is a modern welfare state, in the spirit of its Scandinavian neighbours and cousins. Everybody reaps the benefits of free health care, free education (from the preschool to the University level), guaranteed pension and high standards of living, while paying the price of a near 50% income tax. Illiteracy, poverty, prostitution and violent crime are virtually unknown in modern Iceland, and the nation is one of the wealthiest in the world, with regard to its size.
** despite my new year’s resolution “do not attend parties where you will be photographed and distributed on the internet” ***
*** unless it’s the rub

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17 Responses to MORE LIKE PONY TRAINERS

  1. Paz says:

    I feel like Steed Lord are fucking up by not being the symphonic metal band that their name so clearly implies.

  2. Rachael says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    hahahaha
    cannot stop laughing. not joking. can’t stop. what a night.
    once I got the “he’s… A… dirty… mutha FUCKER!!!!!!!” shouted mantra off the repeat in my head (i.e., today, but then I had to just go and play it on their myspace page as if to prove that they really did exist and were not just part of one of my creative nightmares)… anyway, once that echo subsided I realized that what I was searching for that night (do you remember that mutually shocked & appalled mid-set convo?) was that the chick sounded kinda like a bad Taylor Dayne – like Taylor Dayne with a “9 am ecstasy hangover after the actual party died” – you nailed that description, thank you. And I never even liked Taylor Dayne. Bad bad bad. But funny funny funny.
    And I remain deeply scarred by the fact that that white girl rapper with no skills and the need for one of Rich’s emergency pizzas is from Philly.

  3. Rachael says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    hahahaha
    cannot stop laughing. not joking. can’t stop. what a night.
    once I got the “HE’S… A… DIRTY… MUTHA FUCKAHHHHH!!!!!!!” shouting off the repeat in my head (i.e., today, but then I had to just go and play it on their myspace page as if to prove that they really did exist and were not just part of one of my creative nightmares)… anyway, once that echo subsided I realized that what I was searching for that night (do you remember that mutually shocked & appalled mid-set convo?) was that the chick sounded kinda like a bad Taylor Dayne – like Taylor Dayne with a “9 am ecstasy hangover after the actual party died” – you nailed that description, thank you. And I never even liked Taylor Dayne at all. Bad bad bad. But funny funny funny.
    And I remain deeply scarred by the fact that that white girl rapper with no skills and the need for one of Rich’s emergency pizzas is from Philly.

  4. Sarah S.E.C. says:

    haha. I beyond agree with you, but don’t knock Taylor Dayne. Because I’ll be your shelter baby.
    As a first grader I would ride around in my best friend’s mom’s BMW convertable with the top down blasting Ms. Dayne.
    Don’t rush me
    I’ve made that mistake before, ah.
    Don’t rush me.
    This love could be so much more. ah ah ahahahah ahaha.
    The glocks and dirty motha fukahs are a plenty in iceland. Fairy princesses packing glocks.

  5. Kasey says:

    Steed Lord are amazing and are the freshest thing to come out of Europe.You don´t know nothing about real dance music…you probably never been to Ibiza,Berlin or London to see what is happening in Europe….America has NEVER had a REAL RAVE scene!!!
    Just you wait and see cause this band is gonna gonna be HUGE….keep on hating as much as you like and Steed Lord will become bigger than ever!!!!
    I saw them at Iceland Airwaves and it was the most amazing shit I´ve ever witnessed…ya´ll are just plain bitter and depressed!!!!
    Kasey

  6. Kasey says:

    Steed Lord are amazing and are the freshest thing to come out of Europe.You don´t know nothing about real dance music…you probably never been to Ibiza,Berlin or London to see what is happening in Europe….America has NEVER had a REAL RAVE scene!!!
    Just you wait and see cause this band is gonna gonna be HUGE….keep on hating as much as you like and Steed Lord will become bigger than ever!!!!
    I saw them at Iceland Airwaves and it was the most amazing shit I´ve ever witnessed…ya´ll are just plain bitter and depressed!!!!
    Kasey

  7. D says:

    STEED LORD fucking rock!!!! The illest and freshest shit from Scandinavia.

  8. DD UNIT says:

    STEED LORD fucking rock! The illest and freshest shit from Scandinavia. Fuck all you haters.

  9. Susan says:

    I think what you wrote about Steed Lord is so fucking wrong!!!!
    I was at Studio B that night and their performance was so energetic and insane!!! Their beats and music is so one of a kind and Kali’s voice is like “are you fucking kiddin’ me!!!” total bad ass!! , A.C. was crazy on stage as well!!! (I would like to see you saying those words to his face, you would probably shit your panties baby!) They are the best live performers I’ve seen.
    You obviously don’t know a thing about this band or this kind of music. I’m a huge fan of Steed Lord, they are the next big thing, sorry but that’s a fact!

  10. modiggity says:

    julianne you just got FLAMERZED

  11. Rachael says:

    wow. still shocked that steed lord has fans. naturally, said fans are as wrong as they are.

  12. Blammo says:

    STEED LORD IS DA MOTHAFUCKIN’ SHIT!!!!! Y’ALL BETTER AKS SOMEBODY!!!!

  13. caps says:

    YO STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED LORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD!
    STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED LORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD!

  14. Robin says:

    I´m the biggest Steed Lord fan and you bitches don´t know shit about music. Ha ha ha you don´t even know what a vocoder is….the Cher effect is an autotune filter in pro tools not a vocoder you dumb ass bitch. Steed Lord is not Nu Rave and they have never claimed to be. Hate as much as you want but they are the next big thing in music.

  15. jsheppin u senseless says:

    hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha

  16. the roberts court says:

    yeah you dumbass bitch!!!!

  17. jshep says:

    HAHAH OOH ICELAND SOOOO GULLY

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