NAOMI CAMPBELLING MY ULNA AND HUMERUS


im writing this whole post with my left hand because something very traumatic and awful occurred with my right. i naomi campbelled my elbow and by that i do not mean i threw a cell phone at it and was sentenced to community service. i wish. it was more like this:
1. doing story on these parties that START at like 2 or 3 am.
2. decide to leave at 5 cause im exhausted and must work in morn.
3. walking home frm train in
3a. towering (sesi!) heels (these)
4. trip over jutting sidewalk, try to save my face with outstreched hand
5. dislocate elbow.
a city worker witnessed and dialed ambulance, while a 52 yr old drnk lady (the dind of drnk who is walking around at 5 am with an open cup of booze) watched over me and tried to get me to drink from her cup. naaaaah thanks, meanwhile im making the most absurd noises, squealing in like mariah carey octaves. part of it was pain cause yow! but i was also numb from shock and the main reason im screaming is that YO. there are 2 things no one should ever have to see: what their rubbery arm looks like when it disattaches frm itself and the sight of bone jutting through their own skin. even worse, the sight of the quarter sized hole in said skin once bone has been reconnected by 4 doctrs and an intern, as it bleeds incessantlu and some gross shit oozes frm the hole that the dr determines to be ARM FAT. ewwwwwwwwwwww eeeeeeek! i am never eating oreos again! they put morphine in me which frkd me out (f iv drugs!) but i needed it and fell asleep. now im splinted and gimpy and my yoga weekend is ruined. i can not even put my hair in a ponytail! dr. sarah came over and made me magic icepacks n generally acted doctorly even tho she is an architect and brought me trashy magazines which was super nice so i felt worse after falling asleep while she was here. body trauma is the equivalent of a 10k run or, i presume, 22 hours of tantric sex.
it took me 9 hours to write this post.
so. what are your gross injury horror stories? please share thy pain.

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4 Responses to NAOMI CAMPBELLING MY ULNA AND HUMERUS

  1. sarah says:

    P. Diddy:
    “As soon as we landed, we went straight to the Eiffel Tower, drank champagne at the top and just kissed and kissed. Then we went up to my suite and had tantric sex for at least 30 hours, ordering up whipped cream and strawberries while we were at it.”
    Pretty sure a dislocated elbow is worse.
    Don’t feel bad about falling asleep. I drank like, half the bottle of wine that I brought for you and I now know the best and worst beach bodies by heart. I also learned some new diet/work out tips and read 15 issues of the Fader.

  2. ritchey says:

    In 8th grade I was on the Freestyle (skiing) team, and on my way to “ballet practice” (a.k.a. the flat place underneath lift 4) I was going like 100 mph and apparently ran into a big huge guy going 100 mph in the opposite direction. I don’t remember it, because I had terrible amnesia for a day or so after the accident. I woke up in a pool of my own blood, with blood pouring–shooting–out of my mouth, and I was screaming “WHO AM I? WHO AM I? WHAT IS THIS?” Turned out my jaw was broken in two places and had to be set and then my mouth was wired shut for 10 weeks and I got so hungry I actually cried. The punchline is that I always hated skiing, even before the accident, and after the accident I hated it even more, but I still had to go every Thursday, Friday, Saturday Sunday because that’s what you did in my hometown and nobody seemed to think having a broken jaw should be any deterrent. I think your elbow story is worse, though, because you had to actually SEE the bone. That is disgusting.

  3. ezra says:

    Election day 1984: I jumped off a slide in the Stuyvesant Town playground and caught my foot on the edge. I landed on the concrete headfirst (that explains a lot) and pinned my arm beneath me. The arm was broken numerous times and I got a sweet concussion. Worst part, when I woke up in the hospital Mondale had already conceded. Fuck you Reagan.
    Then again, if given the choice of repeating this accident or getting tantric boned by Puffy, I’d take the concussion.

  4. Breaking my arm skateboarding was much less squeamish than your story. Sorry to hear about it. Anjali and I will be in NYC for a week in July if you need help doing any two-handed tasks.
    Take care,
    Stephen

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