SUPERBOWL @##&@^: LIVEBLOG!

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The Dillon Panthers are hotter than the Steelers or the Cardinals.
1:47. Wait, the fucking Superbowl doesn’t start til 6? I thought it started at 2? What is the point of having a football game at night?
So Mo and I are gonna watch this thing together and eat the rest of my mom’s xmas enchiladas in some wacky semblance of tradition. To give you an idea of what you’re dealing with: Mo placed a monetary bet on the Pittsburg Steelers because “it’s not the time for GOP states to win.” I personally feel an affinity for the Steelers because they are East Coast and part of the rust belt and Arizona is a stupid state (IT’S TECHNICALLY MEXICO!), but I reserve my right to change my mind at any time depending on which team has hotter players.
4:11. Our cable went out. HOW IS TIME WARNER GONNA HAVE CABLE OUTAGES IN BROOKLYN ON SUPERBOWL SUNDAY? And the dude can’t come fix it til tomorow between 2-6pm. Maud, Sean and Brendan all said I could come over and watch it at the house, so liveblog is on–crisis averted. I’m going to Brendan’s because he lives closest and we were supposed to hang out anyway, and he HATES football so will provide the best company in which to liveblog it (i.e. no untainted viewpoints, actual knowledge of game).
4:41. Movin slow, will take me 15 mins to walk to Brendan’s… is it generally frowned upon to miss the kickoff?
(5.32. Answer from Ben Detrick, via Twitter: “keep your scenester cred intact: arrive in the 2nd quarter and loudly announce that you’re rooting for the team named after “the bird.””)
6:28. Missed kickoff but Brendan Tivo’d. Who is this blonde chick? Why does she have a Taylor Swift dye job? Why is she wearing the same boots I am wearing? Do I feel patriotic? Who are these balding old dudes commentating? Brendan and Sam just had to explain to me why betting on the Cardinals is “hip and trendy,” as the dudes said it was. How is anything associated with football “hip”? Unless it is Friday night lights?
Steelers theme song sounds like a third-tier beat tape sent to the FADER office.
Cardinals theme song sounds like … wait never mind number 57 on the Steelers is kind of hot.
6:33. It’s Faith Hill. So when I saw her in concert she had brown hair and was wearing sneakers and opening up for her husband Tim McGraw at Madison Square Garden. She is dragging out the notes like she is singing at a wedding.
Cardinals 11 is kinda cute too. I think that’s the maje dude on the come up. I read the paper.
6:37. J Hud is gorg and killing it. Didn’t we just hear this song? What America song did Faith Hill sing?
I ask: Why do football players wear that black shit on their eyes? Top two guesses from Brendan and Sam:
2. To keep sweat from getting in their eyes.
1. Something to do with sweat.
6:40. POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE. WHO CAN WE GET TO EMPHASIZE THIS IS A BIG DEAL?: Thunderbirds, two national anthems, fireworks, the crew of the crashed flight, John Elway, General Patreus, the cast and crew of Lost, three roadies from the 1989 Guns N Roses tour, Ross Perot, Carla Bruni. Yes it is a VERY BIG FUCKING DEAL.
6:41. Kickoff happened and that big dude ran the ball down the field. I’m not sure who is winning.
6:42. The announcer said something about “penetration” and Sam said “PAUSE!” Sam and Brendan have abandoned the living room and are in their dining room talking about where to put more shelving units. I am on the couch watching the game. I feel so manly. “WHERE IS THE BALL WHEN THE KNEE IS DOWN? OUR TECHNOLOGY WITH THESE MOVING PICTURES IS EXTREMELY FIRST WORLD! WE CAN PAUSE IMAGES AND FAST FOWARD!”
6:54. Are there any vegetarian football players? They all look like the eat a lot of steak. Also: none of these dudes are hot. It’s not like the NBA where there’s like 99 dudes who could get it. Brendan: “Maybe football players just aren’t your type.”
6:57. I am rooting for the Pittsburg Steelers, and that one dude on the Cardinals named Deuce.
7:00. There are so many longhairs in football! When did this happen? I thought football was supposed to be American!
7:06. Chike Okeafor of the AZs is hot.
7:23. Why is all NFL commentator language TOTALLY pause-worthy?
7:26. FASTBREAK. We are discussing how kinda insane it is that Erykah Badu twittered the birth of her child. Me: “Please god don’t let me twitter the birth of my baby, if twitter still exists.” Brendan: “You’re not even gonna have to twitter, you’re just going to have to speak and it will go onto the internet.”
7:39. The Superbowl has convinced Sam to move to Tampa Bay. We just went on a recon mission to figure out what he could do while he was there. He is going to open a cigar shop, golf, rent a yacht and listen to underground Tampa rapper Uniq Rider, who I found by googling.
7:52. I am getting bored. Brendan is walking around the crib eating Ritz crackers.
7:55. OKAY THAT WAS AWESOME! THAT DUDE RAN THE BALL DOWN THE THING MAJORLY AND MADE A TOUCHDOWN! AND IT WAS THE LONGEST PLAY IN SUPERBOWL HISTORY!!! Also, we found a vegetarian football player. He is also a spokesperson for Paxil who quit because he found marijuana more effective.
8:06. Is football the only sport where you can be super fat and look like you drink 9 beers a night and still play professionally?
8:21. “Glory Days” reminds me of my parents getting divorced, because it was super popular on MTV at that time. Also, my dad told me they were getting divorced during the Phil Collins’ “Against All Odds” video, forever ruining what fledgling and unlikely affinity I might have had for his music. Could have been worse!
8:29. These dudes are boring. They need to choose commentators based on their comedy factor, like they do the Oscars. Ellen DeGeneres, Billy Krystal and LISA KUDROW! Brendan wants: Max B.
8:44. THIS GAME NEEDS TO BE OVER SO WE CAN WATCH THE ONE HOUR EPISODE OF THE OFFICE.
8:50. Football players have awesome asses, straight up. What exercises are they doing? I want in. Also, what is the average calorie intake before a game?
8:52. We got bored and are now watching The Simpsons.
10:03. Back to the game. They are playing the original of “Take it to the House” and Sam says they play the Trina/Trick Daddy version at Mariners games, but just the chorus. Brendan: “It’s a jock jam.”
Close up on the Predator looking dude from Cardinals going, “oh no. Oh no. oh no” is making me sad.
The longhaired dude is making me crazy. At least put it up in your bun up in your helmet dude. Looks unkempt all fanned out and imprisoned like that-like it wants to be liberated.
10:09. While googling Santonio Holmes I found this website.

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5 Responses to SUPERBOWL @##&@^: LIVEBLOG!

  1. mo says:

    Too bad your dad couldnt wait for a DMB video… Against all odds is a goooood song.

  2. ritchey says:

    After reading this entry, I begin to wonder if non-football-enjoying people share some sort of DNA situation, because your reactions, questions, and jokes almost exactly mirror all of mine while I watched this same game. I had the same confused boredom followed by the same brief excitement when that big dude made the crazy touchdown and almost died of a heart attack. Also, questions about the long-hair and why he doesn’t put his hair in his helmet. The same desire to pause when the announcers kept saying “penetration” that one time. I also at one point hopefully asked andrew if a bird had ever been hit by the ball during a superbowl game, because one time while equally bored at a baseball game I asked him that question as a joke and it turned out the answer was YES!!!!! but in this case (the football) he said he didn’t know. I do love Bruce Springsteen, though. Also that little dude who landed the plane in the river!

  3. Just Call Me Chris says:

    Is this the Julianne Shepherd that wrote is may still write for the Portland Mercury? If so, could you please contact me asap. I found an article that you wrote about my Crew “thunder Hut Project” some time ago while we were on tour with Pep Love and would love to send you a copy of our newest album fro review. I couldnt find an e-mail address so Im hoping this comment will find its way to you. You can email me directly at thunderhut@gmail.com
    Cheers for now, Chris

  4. Just Call Me Chris says:

    Is this the Julianne Shepherd that wrote is may still write for the Portland Mercury? If so, could you please contact me asap. I found an article that you wrote about my Crew “thunder Hut Project” some time ago while we were on tour with Pep Love and would love to send you a copy of our newest album fro review. I couldnt find an e-mail address so Im hoping this comment will find its way to you. You can email me directly at thunderhut@gmail.com
    Cheers for now, Chris

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