Hail Seitan

For this sixth month of ’07 we’ve been enrapt in a brutal but amazing ritual of acquisition, fabrication, distribution and finally worship. We rise at ungodly hours, after traversing vague and ungodly markets to concoct beastly succor for earthly…hipsters.
The following is our rosemary’s baby of fake meat. A creature that devours the mind, enslaves the tongue and dominates the stomach. Henceforth let no vegetarian shyly throw still stiff Boca burgers on meat-slicked hibachis. Kneel in awe and admiration of Seitan: Dark Lord of the Underbelly!


3 cups gluten flour
1.5 cups whole-wheat pastry flour
2/3-cup brewer’s yeast
3 tsp. ground coriander
4 tsp. ground cumin
2 tsp. cayenne
3 tsp. smoked bittersweet paprika
3 tsp smoked salt
1 tsp. ground sage
2 tbs. freshly ground pepper
4 cups water
1 ⁄ 2 cup soy sauce
1 ⁄ 2 cup canola oil
1 ⁄ 4 cup plus 2 tbs. extra virgin olive oil

Equipment Needs

1 3-4” deep bread loaf pan
1 roasting pan, at least 2” deep
Wax paper
Aluminium foil
1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
2. Combine all your dry ingredients and whisk to blend in a large mixing bowl.
3. In a separate mixing bowl, combing your wet ingredients one at a time in the
order listed above, whisking all the while to emulsify.
4. Rub the inside of your bread pan with 1⁄2 tbs. of olive oil. Now line the pan with wax paper making sure the entire inner surface area of the pan is covered—this will keep your loaf from carbonizing. Rub the wax paper with another 1⁄2 tbs. of oil, and grind one tablespoon of pepper into the bottom of the pan.
5. Add the wet stuff to the dry stuff. Mix with your hands, making sure to integrate all the dry ingredients into the brown blob you are creating. While the end result should be very similar to wet bread dough, you shouldn’t kneed it too intensely.
6. Dump the doughboy into its iron coffin. Sprinkle with the remaining extra virgin blood…oil, and finish with one more tbs. of freshly ground black pepper.
7. Seal the deal with aluminium foil, place the bread pan in the roasting pan, fill the roasting pan with as much water as you feel comfortable with sloshing awkwardly about in 90 minutes when its damn near boiling, and gingerly place the whole mess in your oven.
8. Bake for 90 minutes.
9. When the loaf is finished, turn it over on a cutting surface to dislodge it, and pull away the wax paper—as it cools it becomes much harder to remove. Slice and sear, sauté, grill, mash, braise, or worship as you see fit.

Evil Accoutrements While You Wait

Animal Style Onions

2 onions, minced
1 tbs. extra virgin olive oil
1 tsp soy sauce
1. Heat a nonstick pan on medium heat while you dice the onions.
2. Throw the onions into the pan. Agitate them so they don’t burn, and sauté for approximately 8 minutes or until they have begun turning brown and smelling sweet.
3. Add the olive oil and toss to coat the onions
4. Crank the heat to high and add the soy sauce. Cook it off.

Special Sauce

1 ⁄ 2 cup diced pickles
1 ⁄2 cup vegenaise
1 ⁄ 2 cup ketchup
1. Mix it.
2. Use with reckless abandon.
Beverage: Avery Brewing Co.’s Quadrupel: “The Beast”
Soundtrack: Christian Death’s Theatre of Pain

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6 Responses to Hail Seitan

  1. Matthew says:

    I’ve been a firm believer since I first had this burger. And combining it with the beast! Come on! Too awesome.

  2. rosa says:

    I love seitan
    I’ve never been brave enough to make my own, since all the recipes i’ve seen ask you to rinse the wheat bits out of the dough-glob under running water, leaving only the gluten. Then you’re supposed to boil the gluten-blob in veggie stock.
    I’ll give your recipe a try. Thanks!

  3. EVAN says:

    All satanic imagery and Christian Death recommendations withstanding – the instructions you just outlined, Rosa, scare the living bejesus out of us. A wheat-rinsed blob boil? Dear god, try our version, please.

  4. Meghan says:

    I tried the wheat flour in water method.
    the result looked like …wheat rinsed blob
    and tasted like nothing
    but had the consistancy of rubber.
    can’t wait to try this one instead

  5. EVAN says:

    The key here, clearly, is that you’re using a double boiler essentially. So instead of boiling the goo in water, you are baking a loaf of seitan in a pan that’s sitting in water. We didn’t reinvent the wheel here, we’re just doing some better PR for the wheel.

  6. Matthew says:

    We made it! Last night! SO GOOD!
    On Flickr
    Vimeo pt. 1
    Vimeo pt. 2

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