For this sixth month of ’07 we’ve been enrapt in a brutal but amazing ritual of acquisition, fabrication, distribution and finally worship. We rise at ungodly hours, after traversing vague and ungodly markets to concoct beastly succor for earthly…hipsters.
The following is our rosemary’s baby of fake meat. A creature that devours the mind, enslaves the tongue and dominates the stomach. Henceforth let no vegetarian shyly throw still stiff Boca burgers on meat-slicked hibachis. Kneel in awe and admiration of Seitan: Dark Lord of the Underbelly!
3 cups gluten flour
1.5 cups whole-wheat pastry flour
2/3-cup brewer’s yeast
3 tsp. ground coriander
4 tsp. ground cumin
2 tsp. cayenne
3 tsp. smoked bittersweet paprika
3 tsp smoked salt
1 tsp. ground sage
2 tbs. freshly ground pepper
4 cups water
1 ⁄ 2 cup soy sauce
1 ⁄ 2 cup canola oil
1 ⁄ 4 cup plus 2 tbs. extra virgin olive oil
1 3-4” deep bread loaf pan
1 roasting pan, at least 2” deep
1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
2. Combine all your dry ingredients and whisk to blend in a large mixing bowl.
3. In a separate mixing bowl, combing your wet ingredients one at a time in the
order listed above, whisking all the while to emulsify.
4. Rub the inside of your bread pan with 1⁄2 tbs. of olive oil. Now line the pan with wax paper making sure the entire inner surface area of the pan is covered—this will keep your loaf from carbonizing. Rub the wax paper with another 1⁄2 tbs. of oil, and grind one tablespoon of pepper into the bottom of the pan.
5. Add the wet stuff to the dry stuff. Mix with your hands, making sure to integrate all the dry ingredients into the brown blob you are creating. While the end result should be very similar to wet bread dough, you shouldn’t kneed it too intensely.
6. Dump the doughboy into its iron coffin. Sprinkle with the remaining extra virgin blood…oil, and finish with one more tbs. of freshly ground black pepper.
7. Seal the deal with aluminium foil, place the bread pan in the roasting pan, fill the roasting pan with as much water as you feel comfortable with sloshing awkwardly about in 90 minutes when its damn near boiling, and gingerly place the whole mess in your oven.
8. Bake for 90 minutes.
9. When the loaf is finished, turn it over on a cutting surface to dislodge it, and pull away the wax paper—as it cools it becomes much harder to remove. Slice and sear, sauté, grill, mash, braise, or worship as you see fit.
Evil Accoutrements While You Wait
Animal Style Onions
2 onions, minced
1 tbs. extra virgin olive oil
1 tsp soy sauce
1. Heat a nonstick pan on medium heat while you dice the onions.
2. Throw the onions into the pan. Agitate them so they don’t burn, and sauté for approximately 8 minutes or until they have begun turning brown and smelling sweet.
3. Add the olive oil and toss to coat the onions
4. Crank the heat to high and add the soy sauce. Cook it off.
1 ⁄ 2 cup diced pickles
1 ⁄2 cup vegenaise
1 ⁄ 2 cup ketchup
1. Mix it.
2. Use with reckless abandon.
Beverage: Avery Brewing Co.’s Quadrupel: “The Beast”
Soundtrack: Christian Death’s Theatre of Pain