Winter Kitchen Workout

Cold winter months are for hibernating. And marinating. And mascerating, reconstituting, leavening, braising…We spend so much time hunkered down in our kitchens during winter we sometimes forget to exercise at all. (Unless flexing our abdomens on the way to the fridge counts, which it doesn’t.)

This seasonal sloth, combined with so much time spent with family (read “gorging” and “binge drinking”) carves a deadly path toward the January jiggles. So after some tough-love nagging from our lady friends, Hot Knives has developed a comprehensive kitchen workout regimen.

Designed to keep you toned and buff even while you mash humongous pots of coconut oil-mashed potatoes and bourbon gravy, this soon-to-be patented exercise program is cheap and easy. Forget gym membership dues or special equipment. The Hot Knives workout can be completed any time, rain or shine, in the privacy of your own kitchen, and without skipping dinner! Follow along to these easy step-by-step instructions or watch the workout video above…

Canvas Curls: After a trip to your favorite farmers market, simply lift your canvas bags filled with heavy vegetables in 10-20 repeatable arm curls. Keep your back straight, perform equally among both arms.

Liver Lifts: This move requires a workout partner and is best performed after a beer run because it requires a 12-pack of beer bottles (12-oz craft beer preferred). Stand back to back and pass the box from left to right. Focus on your form, and feel the burn around your spare tire.

Iron Man Skillets: These curls can be performed with one or two cast iron skillets. Grabbing the handle of each skillet, curl your arm upwards and back down slowly, repeating 10-20 times. To hit additional muscle groups try bringing pans out sideways from your hips, and up over your head. Extra credit: Place the weights over high heat, and one pound of nuts for extra weight, and lift every 10 seconds for a thorough back-and-forth shake.

Pot Squats: Fill the largest pot you own with water. Keeping your back straight and the pot held with your elbows to your side, squat 6 or so inches toward the ground and back up. Repeat 20 times or until you fall over. Extra credit: fill the pot with 10 pounds of cubed potatoes and repeat.

The Juicer: Sometimes it’s all about form. Small, subtle movements work your muscles with the right attention in this move. Cutting through a Valencia orange. Placing it on your juicer. And pulling down on the lever with authority and style. This is a workout that really rewards — with a refreshing fruit juice finish!

Blue Cheese Tabletop Push-ups: On a butcher block table, countertop, or other prep surface place a plate of Stilton. Assume the push-up position with your face directly above the cheese. Perform 10 push-ups smelling the cheese as incentive to continue, with the option of licking the cheese on each downward completion. The beauty of this move is that the blue cheese works as an incentive whether you love blue cheese (encouraging each downward position) or hate it (forcing you to push away from the stench). This move can be made vegan by using an alternative food. We prefer a bowl of kimche or homemade sauerkraut.

The Put-away: Perfect for cleaning up while you slim down. Assemble all your clean dishes on a flat surface behind you. Establish which upper cupboard you’re focusing on and then perform a twist, grab and turn maneuver, focusing on your lower back and sides. Step up and put the dish away.

Saran Steamer: Warning, this move is not for the faint of heart. Wrap your entire body, including your arms and legs, in industrial-strength saran wrap. This will induce a sauna-like effect because your skin can’t breathe, increasing the amount of sweat. Jog in place for 10 minutes to your favorite punk song. Extra credit: break a beer bottle on the floor followed by one jar of peanut butter and roll in it like you’re Iggy Pop.

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7 Responses to Winter Kitchen Workout

  1. Vicki says:

    Amazing video!

    Not to be one of those a-holes who’s all like, “oh, you don’t know what cold is, angelenos!” but as a recent transplant to chicago from LA, it is never too cold to get on out the house over there. But it looks like y’all found a good solution anyway. :) Thanks for the vid!

  2. Mike Merrill says:

    This is so close to being not safe for work!

  3. Hopheadjim says:

    Lovin the pot squats, but i burned my head.

  4. Marilyn says:

    Hilarious! Always looking for ways to spice up my workouts – Thanks for the video.

  5. Emily K says:

    pure fucking genius. we’ll all be ripped in no time.

  6. Amanda K. says:

    LOVE THIS!

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