We recently stopped drinking water and have been surviving entirely on homemade elixirs perfected by esteemed friend, health guru, Hot Knives contributor (and Alex’s life partner) Lake Sharp. As a public service, we decided we must cede the blog to her for a guest post.
Drink this now! Take it away Lake…
Thing is, I love beverages and not just alcoholic ones. And — being a lady of the Times — I am waaaay down with the latest beverage craze of making NUT MILK. I was a full-throated supporter of homemade Kombucha, which seems to regain popularity every 20 years … just like fashion. But unlike those horrible pants you used to wear, this beverage has staying power. Allow me to throw down.
BEHOLD: Homemade Nut Milk. I defy you to bring me store bought nut milk (my keyboard wants me to write butt-milk) that tastes as good as this homemade version. Plus, it’s easy, people. How easy? Like, you-can-sleep while-all-the-good-shit-is-happening easy. You take your raw nuts, you soak them overnight, you blend them with water and strain them. BOOM! NUT MILK!
You can get fancy with what you add for your own nut-busting pleasure. First though, here is homemade nut milk in it’s truest form…
Basic Nut Milk
(Makes about 1 quart)
1 cup raw nuts soaked 8 hrs
4 cups filtered water
a pinch of salt
1. Strain nuts and water your plants with the leftover soaking water
2. Blend your nuts with fresh filtered water for 30 seconds
3. Pour blended liquid through a nut bag into a pitcher and squeeze the bag as much as you can.
4.Save your nut pulp for future use.
Let’s get sur-ius. In the video, I make Almond Milk and instead of regs water I use coconut water which naturally sweetens the milk and gives it a super creamy round finish. Also, it’s mind blowing. Your mind will literally blow up in your skull. Then you’ll be dead. From deliciousness. Actually, not literally, just ﬁguratively. But the deliciousness is real and life is about choices.
Alternative Milk Styling
You don’t have to use coconut water. You can use plain-ol-H2O and if you want to sweeten it, throw a couple dates into the blender. They are a perfect natural sweetener. You could also sweeten with honey or maple syrup ….but fuck sugar. WHY? Cuz it’s bad for you, B. Ask your doctor. You can also opt in or out of adding a teaspoon of vanilla extract, which (as you know) is really nice with almonds. Though not necessary, I highly recommend adding a pinch of salt. There’s something about the alchemy of adding salt that, like other white powders, bumps up all the flavors. I also recommend getting a nut bag, a small nylon sack specially made for milking your sweet, sweet nuts. I got mine online, some health food stores carry them as well … Google it. IF YOU DON’T HAVE A NUT SACK, you can use an old t-shirt or the foot of a pair of tights … just make sure they’re clean, dildo!
So Almond Milk gets all the glory, but I have to tell you that many other nuts, seeds and even grains can also get milked. And blends rule!
WALNUT MILK: Ha-mazing! Buttery, light, good for your brains.
PISTACHIO MILK: Eggy color, so good in smoothies.
BRAZIL NUT MILK: Haven’t made it yet, but sounds awesome, right?
PEANUT MILK: Also on the todo list
HAZELNUT-SUNFLOWER SEED: Very earthy!
ALMOND-SESAME SEED: Sesame seed milk on it’s own is kind of bitter. Combined with the sweetness of almonds, it makes for a complex and interesting bev.
OAT MILK: Very comforting, blends really well with walnuts and almonds. Also, you can definetly bathe in this if you get Poison Ivy!
Once you have your delicious milk, get creative. What’s stoping you from milking peanuts and muddling them with strawberries for liquid PB&J in your mouth?! You can use your milk as a mixer in smoothies and cocktails, in cereal, or pour it all over your lovahs bahday! Now I’m just riffing, but you get my point. Nuts weren’t just made to be cracked, they were made to be tenderly milked by hooligans like you and me. There is no wrong combination. Unless it tastes like shit. One fav drink of mine that most definitely does not taste shitty is the Almond Fizz…
1. Muddle a few berries of your choice in the bottom of a glass.
2. Add your coconut almond milk
3. Top with soda water, mix it up. It’s a delight!
So what are you waiting for? Go Bust a Nut, you nut-milking-motherfuckers! STAY TUNED for the next installment: What to do with all that nasty nut pulp you’re going to find yourself with….
Beverage: Almond Milk White Russian
Soundtrack: Aphex Twin, “Milkman”