Mini Reviews

I’ve seen so many movies, but I keep forgetting to blog about them. So, MINI REVIEWS! GO!

MONEYBALL

I liked it a lot! Everyone said it was boring but I found it riveting, and I even cried, TWICE. I hate all sports and think people who cry about them are stupid, so I consider this a major feat of filmmaking, to make me care about Honenberger’s or whatever home run that time he was so scared about the A’s winning 20 games in a row or something. Very sad the A’s did not go on to win the World Series. Turns out professional sports players are really brutalized and emotionally traumatized by the fucked up system they work within, just like the rest of us except with more money involved, and more tens of thousands of people booing right in your face! Andy from Parks and Rec was REALLY GOOD! Whole film intercut with flashbacks to a young Brad Pitt’s slow and inexorable crushing at the hands of major league baseball. This tactic was extremely effective and made me sad, everyone constantly reminding him that he could’ve gone to Stanford on a full scholarship, too bad he totally blew his life and is a failure now. So sad! Later realized Brad Pitt’s character still was making literally millions of dollars every year.

Conclusion: I have always loved Brad Pitt and thought he was kind of a tremendous actor, and I am gratified every time he continues proving me right. Jonah Hill was also good.

Next up!

TOM CRUISE IS A MANIAC:

MI4, THE REVENGE, THIS TIME IT’S PERSONAL

We went to the St. John’s cinema and got pizza and beer and sat in a completely packed house and watched this movie and once again I was surprised by how riveting it was. It was just so relentless and harrowing. There’s so much action, and so much Apple product placement, and Simon Pegg makes so many hilarious jokes, and there’s the requisite “we have to put on fancy dress and seduce a wealthy man at a fancy socialite party” scene, and there’s the requisite insane technology like this car that has google maps EMBEDDED IN THE WINDSHIELD, and you see Paula Patton’s boobs in a corset, and Sawyer from Lost dies in the first 2 minutes of the film but luckily he was wearing a computer for a contact lens so they know stuff about it, and then Tom Cruise jumps on a train with Jeremy Renner and later it turns out Jeremy Renner thought he killed Tom Cruise’s wife but it turns out he didn’t and the film closes with a creepy scene of Tom Cruise spying on his still-alive wife as she gets fish and chips with her medical colleagues.

There’s one scene where people in the audience ACTUALLY SCREAMED, and one of the people screaming was me! “NO! DON’T DO IT TOM CRUISE IT’S TOO HIGH!!!!” He jumps off the top of the highest building in the world, some stupid thing in Dubai, and he flies out in an arc and you can see his body outlined against the impossible-far-below-rest-of-the-city, and it’s like, bananas. Later I found out via a lost bet with Claire that TOM CRUISE LITERALLY DID THAT STUNT. I can’t believe this was allowed! What if that’s how Tom Cruise died? That would be AMAZING.

Conclusion: Tom Cruise is a maniac who believes he can’t die.

Next up:

EVERYTHING MUST GO

Good! Sad! I like Will Ferrell. I like Will Ferrell in a more serious role. The pathos of comedians. Comedians having more sadness than normal people. Nice little film, nothing to write home about. Monologues about drunk fathers.

On a related note:

BIG FAN

I really liked Big Fan. Patton Oswalt was so good again with the pathos. He plays a really dumb man who loves a football team and whose whole life consists of working in a parking garage and spending 8 hours composing the perfect thing to say later that night when he calls in to a local sports talk radio show. He composes these long rants that are really plain and kind of lame and then delivers them with passion and then that’s all he needs in his life to be happy. Then one night he and his friend Kevin Corrigan come across the big star player for the team they like, and they very innocently and stupidly follow him around in their car, and watch him go do what is clearly a drug deal but they don’t get it, they’re so dumb and naive, they’re like “maybe that’s his house” even though it’s this terrifying shack in the middle of a terrible part of town, and this guy is a millionaire football player, etc. They follow him to a fancy nightclub they somehow get into and then they go to say hi to him, and it’s awkward but kind of nice, with the player and his friends sort of affectionately making fun of them, etc. Then Oswalt mentions the drug deal and the player beats the shit out of him and he ends up in the hospital. His family wants him to sue, but he won’t sue, because he loves his team. Crazy crazy crazy climactic scene. Highly Recommended!

Conclusion: On the special features you can watch Kevin Corrigan tell a LITERALLY AMAZING story about meeting Robert DeNiro when he was 16.

Related!

YOUNG ADULT

I hated Juno so much. I hated it so much more than you even believe you hated it. I hate it so much I dream about how much I hated it. Yet the preview for Diablo Cody’s new movie, Young Adult, had me at hello…and it didn’t let go! I loved it!

I went to see it with Steve and we agreed that it hit a little too close to home. Theron is basically our age and is a huge loser. It’s like who even is she. She has no life, no career, no friends, she’s still beautiful but it’s this pathetic clung-to beauty where she has like eight huge bags full of products and clip-on hair she has to wrangle before she can leave the house. She was the mean pretty girl in high school (this is decidedly not the part that hit close to home for us) and thinks she majorly triumphed over everyone by moving from small town Minnesota to large city Minnesota, but we see her life and it is FUCKING EMO. Passed out fully clothed face down on the bed with reality TV blaring in the background. Hungover constantly, chugging diet coke. She’s got this crappy little yapping dog. It turns out she’s the ghost writer for a formerly-popular series of young adult novels about a mean pretty girl in high school. Her name’s not even on the books! And now the series is being canceled, and who even is this Theron character? she’s just nobody. So she goes back to her hometown with the intention of stealing her high school boyfriend from his amazing wife and new baby. It’s so painful to watch, such an obvious train wreck. The mean pretty girl insinuating herself back into the lives of people who bid her good riddance in the 90′s. The opening credits are set to her listening to a Teenage Fanclub song on a mixtape in her car. MY GOD IT’S LIKE THEY’VE KNOWN ME ALL MY LIFE. I mean, the plot of the film did not hit close to home, exactly, it’s more just the exploration of this aging person who doesn’t know what to do with her life.

Anyway back in the hometown she meets Patton Oswalt, who was the fat kid in her class who got beat up by jocks who thought he was gay, and now he has brain damage and is permanently crippled. Theron is stoked to remember him: “You’re the hate crime guy! Wow, I totally remember that!” They develop an unlikely but somehow really believable friendship based on him telling her how disgusting she is and her basically hanging out with him because he’s the only person lonely enough to put up with her, also she is hot. The whole time I was dreading what I felt was the only possible ending to the film, which would be the “we all learned a little something” redemption narrative where, like, Patton Oswalt shares his wisdom and she realizes he’s the man she loves and she goes on to be a better person and etc. Let me just say that that is wonderfully, amazingly, not at all what happens. I can not remember a film whose ending I have been more delighted by.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED! I love Charlize Theron, what an amazing weird dude. She grew up in South Africa, she’s descended from famous Boer historical figures, she’s seven or eight feet tall I think, and when she was a kid she watched her mother kill her father in self defense.

Conclusion: I now desperately want to know what the mean pretty girls from my own high school are up to. The hell of it is, I bet they are all still just mean, pretty, and rich, as they always were. I bet they are happy. THOSE BITCHES

Unrelated:

JOHN CARPENTER’S THE THING

Holy shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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2 Responses to Mini Reviews

  1. RCH says:

    Great reviews bravo

  2. wumpus says:

    I guess Charlize also rides ostriches

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