G.I. Joe

You guys, what even was this movie. First of all, am I the only person on earth who finds Channing Tatum to almost not even be a human person? He is like a big blob of flesh that makes vaguely tone-based sounds. He is less expressive than a fetus or someone in a coma, or my dog when he is sleeping. I do not understand why he is cast to deliver lines in plot-based films, but I guess that’s why I don’t make the big bucks.

“G.I. Joe” is perhaps the most incoherent, lumbering piece of shit ever created by Hollywood. I mean, obviously you know it’s not going to be good. But how could you be expected to think it could possibly be THAT not good?

this movie grossed 300 million dollars worldwide. I believe not even Mitt Romney makes that much in a year.

“G.I. Joe” is about how Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayans (who spends a vast portion of the film falling down and saying things like “HUH?” and then falling down again with his eyes real wide, then later flies a hitherto-never-before-seen prototype of hybrid fighter jet INTO OUTER SPACE where he uses Celtic voice controls to intercept and destroy warheads directed at Moscow and the like. Then he ejects and floats down to land on the lawn of the White House) are marines or something, and they get saved from a disastrous mission by the “Joes,” apparently some sort of elite international fighting squad that spends the majority of their time playing with insane toys in this weird bunker underneath a pyramid in Egypt that is immediately destroyed in a fire fight with COBRA operatives. The Joes take CT and MW back to this top-secret lair immediately after meeting them, for some reason, and when CT asks general Dennis Quaid “what are the Joes,” Dennis Quaid literally says “Well you trusted me so now I’ll trust you” and then tells him the entire history and all the secrets of the Joes.

Joseph Gordon Levitt (!!) plays COBRA COMMANDER, if you can imagine. He got his face burned off in Iraq or something and blames Channing Tatum, who was engaged to his sister, who he (spoiler alert) later kidnaps and injects with nanobots (?) that turn her evil. Everyone in this movie is a complete sociopath. Also how tired are you of the movie trope where the new boy walks into a room, identifies which of the existing people in the room is female-gendered, then immediately goes up and asks to have sex with her, and the girl is like “you goof!” then later they fall in love??????

The President of the United States of America is played by Jonathan Pryce. This means the President of the U.S.A. is VERY BRITISH. This is never commented on.

The action sequences are just unwatchable blurs. At one point the Eiffel Tower falls down. In the (vain) effort to save the Eiffel Tower, the Joes kill approximately 500 innocent bystanders and destroy most of a Parisian office building. This is also never commented on.

A female character’s turn from good to evil is literally represented by her hair going from blonde to black. The other female character who is a science nerd who says she doesn’t believe in emotions is redeemed when Marlon Wayans helps her become more in touch with said emotions. This is done very literally, when, in the final scene, he asks her “how does that make you feel?” and she says “…emotional!” with a coy smile. AT LAST SHE IS A WOMAN

There are so many flashback sequences it is unreal. Baby Snake Eyes and Baby Storm Shadow fight each other in a Buddhist monastery for probably 45% of the film, luckily this was my favorite part.

after finishing the movie we looked up its production history and died laughing. This history begins in 1998 and at every step of the way is 100% obviously influenced by people on coke.

I forgot to tell you that the movie opens in 1641, with the torture of a Scottish rebel accused of plotting to overthrow Louis XIII. I’m such a commie pig it took me 15 minutes to realize the Scottish rebel was the BAD GUY, not a hero. He yells about how his rebellion won’t end with his death, but will continue with his sons, and their sons, and THEIR sons!!! Then the French put a burning hot iron mask on his head so all will know his shame. Flash forward to the present day and there is a bad Scottish man who makes nanobot warheads and is clearly the descendant of that 1641 guy. Already this is totally amazing but then later when somebody asks him what his first target will be he says it’s in France, and that he will teach them a lesson for what they did to his ancestor. I LAUGHED SO HARD. How completely fucking AWESOME would it be if some terrorist blew up the Eiffel Tower because FOUR HUNDRED YEARS EARLIER a French person had killed his ancestor? That is BADASS. Also if only someone would blow up the Eiffel Tower, shit is ugly as hell. I’d blow it up just to pay the French back for me having to read Of Grammatology in grad school.

Then later the Scottish guy is like “hey G.I. Joe eat lead!” but instead somebody throws burning hot something-or-other on him and his face is all fucked up, then Joseph Gordon Levitt injects nanobots into his brain that turn his whole head into this sort of liquidy silver material. And then, honest to god, the Scottish guy goes, “OOF. I HAVE FINALLY TAKEN MY PLACE IN THE LINE OF MCCLELLAN.”

In conclusion this movie was awesome. I can’t wait to see what kind of angry comments I get on this entry. I am expecting it to be beyond-Cheaper-by-the-Dozen territory (“OMG u sux & r dumb, the ppl who made that movie worked rilly hard on it!!!!!!!!”) and even possibly beyond my joke-entry about In-N-Out burger, the comments of which are filled by hysterically angry people debating whether or not I am gay, and encouraging me to die horribly.

After Variety had reported that G.I. Joe became a Brussels-based outfit that stands for Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity,[54] there were reports of outrages over Paramount’s alleged attempt to change the origin of G.I. Joe Team.[55] Hasbro responded in its G.I. Joe site claiming it was not changing what the G.I. Joe brand is about, and the name “G.I. Joe” will always be synonymous with bravery and heroism. Instead, it would be a modern telling of the “G.I. Joe vs. Cobra” storyline, based out of the “Pit” as they were throughout the 1980s comic book series.

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