Every few months, my husband somehow cajoles me into watching an entire franchise of movies. Once it was all the Lord of the Rings in a row (by the end you want Frodo to choke to death on that fucking ring), we’ve done the Bourne movies in a row twice (totally holds up) and amid our recent, sleepless new parent haze which often involves watching total junkfood movies just for that sort of numbing brain rub of action and ‘splosions and familiar billion dollar faces exclaiming things stupidly and slo-mo bikinis etc.—somehow we got to Mission Impossible.
We started with the new one. It was fine for what it was, or maybe not given that it was the 49th biggest worldwide grossing movie of all time. I kept thinking that Tom Cruise must like acting alongside Jeremy Renner because they are both buff and about 5’5, right? Also, Jeremy Renner is handsome, isn’t he? I saw him in the Avengers the other night and when he gets kind of buffed out he looks like Miss Piggy.
This new one—MI:5? 4? Ghost Pooptocol: #YOLO–Well, It wasn’t so terrible that I objected to the renting of the pre-quel, but about 22 minutes in, we both realized we had actually seen this movie together in the theatre and it was of such negligible merit that we had wholly forgotten it. The only genuinely good part is Philip Seymour Hoffman, sweating blood and looking like a hot pink lunatic while Tom Cruise chews the scenery at a fake dinner reception at the Vatican? SERIOUSLY. Who parties at the Vatican? Don’t ruffle us with some BS illuminati chic, Cruise. It, too, works as a great dumb movie. Many cars flip and also, it’s the era of Tom Cruise really working to prove, really trying to expand his Ethan Hunt character.
Is there a third one? Maybe that was the third one.
But then, then there is Mi:2. I think it’s is from the nineties. Tom Cruise’s face is still pert and it was pre-Oprah couch jumping, before all of America turned the tide on him for being a batshit magic-think Scientologist nutjob—back then, all he had to do was do stunts and look pretty. His hair was so feminine then, before he had to prove. MI:2 is the twilight of that era, that golden blast of pure Tom Cruise as he was, untempered, not yet having to be ETHAN HUNT, CHARACTER WITH A PURPOSE. Before he was playing characters in hope we would conflate their image with his own. Mi:2 has no CGI, just really inane car tricks and chases and slow editing and innuendo and people hiding diamonds in their boobs and no hi-tech weapons caches. At one point, his hi-tech secret spy weapon is like a giant Dell laptop and it’s plugged into a wall and it’s like C’MON, TC, TAKE THAT SHIT BACK TO THE DORM WHERE IT BELONGS AND GIT ME A SPY COPTER MADE FROM A RETRACTABLE PENCIL! For the love of L.Ron! This movie is so awful, we made it to 37 minutes only because I fell asleep and so I stopped threatening to divorce Matt for bringing this slice of Old Cruise into our home.