Today the highly educated, well informed, and dazzlingly beautiful authors of I SAW THAT will act as your guides through the gowns, glamour, and gold of the greatest award in the history of our planet.
The 85th Academy Awards ceremony begins at 8:30pm East Coast/5:30pm West Coast. The Live Blogging starts some time before that…
well that was the oscars
I missed the fat joke! Was it while I was hunting for an outlet for my computer? DAMN.
Things that happened while my computer AND phone were out of gas:
– Jennifer Lawrence fell down and was charming about it
– Daniel Day Lewis was a total maniac. Can you believe he actually goes home at night and acts like Abe Lincoln to his wife? What a fucking lunatic. I hate that method shit. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great actor, but him winning for Lincoln gives me that barfy feeling. Plus Joaquin Phoenix gave perhaps the greatest performance in cinematic history and it is bullshit that his outsider status precludes an oscar win. Gimme break. Lincoln portrayals that tread the razor’s edge of parody are not what gets my filmic dander up, so to speak, I think I used that idiom incorrectly. Maybe they ARE what get my dander up, if dander means CHEESED OFF
– I forget what else happened
– Oh yeah, the Argo guy’s acceptance speech was so good! “Solving problems non-violently.” That is a great message of that film
– Ben Affleck telling everybody that it’s hard being married to Jennifer Garner
You guys, I am so tired. Can’t this be done? I still have five episodes of House of Cards I want to get through. Seth MacFarlane slit of a mouth and Adele fat joke is just enough to make me want to vom.
The Way We Were is a fucking tearjerker. What hotties.
I want her and Fonda and Dolly Parton and Helen Mirren to do an old ladies buddy comedy.
OMG how was it?
Jessica did you see Guilt Trip? I sure did
Her fingers look like golden carrots fresh from the ground.
Well that’s for sure Barbra Streisand. The women who hated Melissa McCarthy are screaming about how much they love Babs
Lord rest Tony Scott
Charles Durning was so great in the Muppet movie.
Did u read that article about posthumous lobbying to get included in the “in memoriam” slide show? And yet the Navy is noise-murdering tens of thousands of dolphins each year
God clooney is an ageless beauty
WHAT ABOUT WHEN LINCOLN WAS SO FOLKSY
The only thing I remember about Lincoln is that part with Adam Driver from Girls and Tommy Lee Jones curly wig. Seriously.
What’s up w KS’s limp? Did she get shivved backstage?
Also now it’s safe to say Lincoln will not win best pic. THANK GOD
We saw Django but had to leave 25 minutes before the end, right amid the chilling dinner discovery scene because our babysitter had to leave at a certain time. No spoilers, k?
Puppy Purse Power.
If Django wins I will shriek with joy
Whoa. Harsh but real call
Nicole Kidman is looking like end of life Michael Jackson.
That’s my call too! French lady/child tie
I’m now on the iPhone, so will not be updating with as lightning speed as usual. Just FYI
OK, so who are we rooting for at this point? I am hoping for an Emmanuelle Rivas/ Q. Wallis Best Actress tie.
My husband just reminded me that “Panties So Wet” is not a song everyone knows. It’s the one song by a local Myspace rapper I don’t even remember the name of–but if you are going to have only one song, I mean, that’s a pretty good way to go.
She could sing “Panties So Wet” and it would still be good.
I do like this Adele sky fall song
J Larences dress looks like it was modeled on the dresses those $100 Barbies come wearing.
that airport sequence made me pee my pants.
Props to the Argo editing just because of the breathless OMG RUN RUN airport sequence at the end where you really wonder for a second WILL THEY MAKE IT?! Even though you know they will.
Lincoln’s been so shut out! I thought it would be the sweeper!!! I’m very glad, as that movie is offensive to every fiber of my human soul
Jennifer Lawrence in the X men movie. What up scaly teen tatas?
my mom loves Sandra Bullock. Remember the movie where she helped a black person become a real person
Sandra Bullock dresses her son real cute. She looks like a Gelfling right now though.
Jessica WHAT IS THAT FROM. WHAT?????????
Jennifer Lawrence fun fact: “The actress was painted nude and covered in scales for her part. She told People magazine it took seven women each day during the four-month shoot to paint the actress completely blue. ”
SUNY POTSDAM shout-out, holler y’all
when we came back from commercial break they were playing the Indiana Jones theme. do they just have a huge book of movie themes and they just riff on them whenever?
What if some dark Pro-Life group pooled all their money and paid for a super gnarly ad right in the middle of the Oscars? I was just thinking about how intense that would be
Is Jennifer Lawrence Anne Hathaway’s mom?
can anyone explain why Schindler’s List theme is getting SO MUCH PLAY tonight? what the honest fuck
Fun fact: Hathaway’s mom played Fantine in the first US touring production of Les Mizzzzzzzzz.
I don’t give a fuck: I like Anne Hathaway. She cares about poor people
wait she got played off with the Schindler’s List theme? What is going on
Where is her tapper?
memorizing all those names must be so hard! God. Also for the record I loved Rachel Getting Married
That would be AMAZING
I can’t believe she didn’t get anything for Rachel Getting Married. Didn;t you want to SCREAM at her for the entire movie. I kind of wish Sally Field would get up and Kanye Anne Hathaway’s acceptance with her rallying speech from Norma Rae.
everybody called it but me! Hathaway. The audience I am sitting in is literally going bananas
My gut says Helen Hunt because Hollywood loves a creepy sex movie with a heartwarming based on a true story
Sally Field, when she accepted her first Oscar in the mid-seventies, wore an off the rack dress. This is the first year she has had a custom gown. (THANKS PEOPLE MAG)
Totally gonna be Hathaway right?? People hate Hathaway. I don’t have strong feelings. But just for the record, again, every song in Les Miz is FUCKING incredible
why don’t they show the handjob scene for Amy Adams? It took me so long to figure out that scene involved a handjob
dude he has just persevered. He is unstoppable and ceaseless
Also his daughter Amanda Plummer is a delightful weirdo who I am semi-obsessed with
Do you think he has had work done or that his cheekbones have just perservered? Love Plummer.
I. LOVE. CHRISTOPHER. PLUMMER. The Pink Panther y’all! No bullshit
truly a great von Trapp joke just now
My husband said that guy looks like he is in a band called Jethro Lulz.
I hated Skyfall more than I thought I could hate a movie, even a Bond movie, EVEN CONSIDERING that I want to french Daniel Craig’s entire face off. Now that is saying something
Congrats Young Edgar Winter! Such a multifaceted talent.
Sound editing in Bourne Ultimatum was so good. SKYFALL WAS A PIECE OF SHIT TIED WITH SKYFALL WUZ A PIEACE OF SHIT.
How come every person is Edgar Winter???
oh damn! I beat my old man for sound editing! Skyfall, what a piece of shit
Edgar Winter is stepping in an out of a time machine to give us different eras of Winter on the stage.
HIS DAD IS WITH GOD NOW. OH MY GOD
EDGAR WINTER AGAIN
OH MY GOD. I NAILED IT. What will the other tied one be????
I feel liek zero
the old man, who studies film sound, picks ARGO for sound editing!
peace in the middle east is really important
NAILED IT. Also yes I would leak the sex tape. Wait does this also mean I would have to have sex with him? If so my answer is still yes
Would you leak a sex tape with Seth MacFarlane if it meant significant gains in Middle East peace process?
sound mixing, gotta be Les Miz. The song of angry men AND the SOUND of angry men!!!!
this bear is very real looking. credit where credit is due
Who says “bums” anymore?
oh boy. The Oscars have jumped some sort of aquatic beast
I am a huge Dworkin fan, for the record
Anyone In Overalls
Top casting ideas:
1. Kristin Stewart as a “sexy” Dworkin
2. Marisa Tomei in overalls
Jessica though, do you love how short hair is BACK IN??
oh man, who could play Dworkin? CHARLIZE THERON in a brave brave role
I learned this from People magazine this morning on the treadmill at the gym. I am really curious whose perspective the movie takes because towards the end of her life, she was tight with Andrea Dworkin and was an anti-porn crusader. WHO PLAYS DWORKIN?!
she did?? JESUS
Amanda Seyfried, after having enough roles in torture porn and this bad singing movie, just starred in the forthcoming Linda Lovelace biopic.
people are SO INTO the actors who also sing!! It used to be totally expected that actors could sing but now I guess it is special. Then again, to reiterate, every song in Les Miz is FUCKING incredible
Fuck, so much singing.
ha ha ha
Hugh Jackman was 2 semesters away from a Bachelors in Journalism and suddenly found out about theatre and was like “I want to go to there”
Real talk though, every song in Les Miz is FUCKING incredible. The dude(s) who wrote this shit had their finger exactly on the pulse of musical melodrama!!
Plz Hugh Jackman come out shorn and covered in mucus and chain for some Les Mis realness.
They should have Leo Kottke come out and do the entire soundtrack to Days of Heaven after this instead of stupid Les Mis songs. I would like that.
I have not had a baby but the idea of having sex 2 months after giving birth is pretty outrageous. I’m thinking more like three years
wait, what? What’s Irish twins?? How can you get pregnant 2 months after giving birth?? BLOWING MY MIND
I KNEW IT. Given that this is a drag ball favorite, I wish J Hud was doing it drag ball style and like jumping violently down into splits. Also, her kids are Irish twins ala Britney. She got pregnant TWO months after giving birth.
just a random tribute to some movies that have had songs in them, I guess? But all so recent? Not like Judy Garland or anything? WTF
I find it offensive that in this age of getting gigantic boners over Les Miz’s live singing we would be subjected not only to lip synching but to lip synching from a movie I would rather eat a cockroach than ever watch again! HOW DARE YOU SIR
She has to be–where would her mic be located? In her sharp bob?
CZJ is lip synching???
And now look, here is Travolta in a body shaper singing All That Jazz in a wig! So dexterous!
I wouldn’t watch Chicago again if you gave me a tenure track job at Mills
Whomever did Travolta’s work needs to lay off the fillers.
Haneke is adorable. “She is supporting me since 30 years.” My old man is laughing about how Haneke makes the most brutal movies but then is “impossibly sweet” in person
“Haneke winning a fucking Oscar is so hilarious to me” –my film scholar husband who hates Funny Games, as do all conscious humans
My money is on Amour. Haneke took it at Cannes.
Amour’s got this one IN THE BAG
Jessica Chastain, in order to gain 15 lbs for her starring role in The Help, microwaved tubs of Soy Dream and drank them. I guess that is the only way to bulk up fast without cheese.
oh boy, a category honoring our common humanity
I wish Stephen Spielberg would fall into the deepest hole that ever lived
Stephen Spielberg’s estimated annual salary is 150 million dollars. I bet no one gives him a poke.
We are almost at the half way point, everyone. Wake up wake up.
Yeah. Why do famous actors get longer than the weirdos making the doc shorts or whatever? I would much rather have heard that homeless girl talk than listen to Stephen Spielberg thank a million idiots
I wonder if that tappers practice tapping, or who is the person who assigns at what length intervals they should tap. “Unfamous people, every 8 seconds til they stop.”
Now they are tapping people AND playing them off? Brutal.
Generally speaking, if you’ve actually seen one of the docs nominated, that’s probably the one that’s gonna win.
I think Sugarman’s gonna win this one
seriously. What a personal narrative!
Remember how he was big and then lost it all and then came back? Remember that weird celebrity poke ring bust that he was at the center of at one point? NOW LOOK AT HIM.
WHAT IF JESSICA CHASTAIN IS FIFTY
Jessica Chastain is a vegan. She also will not diclose her age, which I think is pretty awesome.
I think the end of Lincoln is And A White Man Shall Set Them Free and then America was the greatest country ever and everyone was humbled by somebody’s gentle folksy wisdom
I can’t wait til the day when I actually watch Lincoln and laugh until my throat is sore!!! What piece of garbage
Fell asleep during Lincoln. Pretty sure I was snoring in the theatre. How did it end? Did Abe get the girl?
I have to say, I LOVE ARGO ON THE STRENGTH OF IT’S CORN AND Affleck’s one note sulky silent type acting AND also his copious ab shots
I thought Argo could’ve been a hell of a lot worse, if you ask me
They should have had Liam Neeson just do a wolf fight out of the Grey instead.
love how Liam Neeson still gets played out to the theme from Schindler’s List
Apparently you can watch Innocente online. Everyone I know says they sobbed through the whole thing.
I know those are projectors behind him, but that looks like a wall of rims.
i’m gonna close my computer for awhile to win myself some more time. I want to make it to Best Pic
Only two more hours to go.
just so everyone knows, my battery’s gonna die in like 20 minutes
Totally tight! Shirley Bassey totally nailed it. I love to see an old-timey Top Shelf Dame bring the house down. “They don’t make ’em like they used to.”
Dame Shirley Bassey just poked herself in the boob real dramatic like. For 75, she is keeping it tight.
that muted trumpet Bond theme fucking kills me
there’s one Brosnan one where he falls out of a car out of a plane or something? Or I might be thinking of “Terminal Velocity” starring Charlie Sheen and the girl who played Buffy in the movie. Or maybe both? I would put nothing past the Magic Of Hollywood
I have seen almost everyone of these James Bond films primarily due to the fact that I was a latchkey kid with TBS. I have not seen any of the Pierce Brosnon ones.
lets face it these James Bond musical themes are TIGHT. I rescind my request for being shot in the face
50 years of James Bond….somebody literally shoot me in the face right now. SERIOUSLY. I am being serious. HURRY! Someone hurry
some of these people are so classy about clearly having practiced short, manageable speeches
Damn. But seriously, Peter Swords King?? Jessica if you have another son, I’m just saying…consider it
Makeup…My call: The Hobbit, only because that dude’s name is PETER SWORDS KING.
The costume lady that won kind of looks like she is wearing a silk bathrobe over a normal nubby bathrobe.
MacFarlane is that rat pack genre of smug that is weirdly compelling
I think Seth MacFarlane is doing an OK job, it’s just how fucking smug he looks. Like, naturally.
That is a tight watching station. Mine is a table at the mission theater surrounded by people jeering Melissa McCarthy. HOWEVER I would also like to give a shout-out to my husband, who in response to my statement “I want pizza and a grapefruit mimosa” immediately leapt up to comply with my wishes. NOW who’s ignoring Life of Pi’s winning streak???? IN STYLE
Nicole Kidman is looking a little tore up. Just to be a bitch about it.
BRUTAL playing-off music. Fucking brutal! Even Nicole Kidman didn’t like it. Too mean!
Also, why we ignore this Life of Pi winning streak (SHOW ME A TIGER) I would like to thank my husband who built me an “Oscars Viewing Station,” which was a bowl of trail mix an apple, a Gerolsteiner and my charged computer on a table built out of our sons large Lego bricks.
Awesome job on the CGI tiger, dog.
Jessica’s Edgar Winter joke was way better than my Enya joke.
OMG WHY IS EDGAR WINTER ACCEPTING AN OSCAR FOR LIFE OF PI?!
One of those brothers or married people who do Enya’s production just won an Oscar for Life of Pi!!!!!!!!!!
$60 is a tight call re: Life of Pi, BTW
Ok which of the Avengers would you french? Robert Downey Jr. right? No question.
Also, I didn;t see Les Mis because I HATE MOVIES WITH SINGING. Also, I hope this group of dudes–Renner et al reenact a group dance of Magic Mike.
I didn’t see Les Mis b/c I only like Hugh Jackman when he is Wolverine. I didn’t see Life of Pi because the book was unreadibly corny and I lost faith in Ang Lee about three movies ago. I sobbed uncontrollably during Beasts of the Southern Wild and that little girl better get that Oscar. Also, I am thinking, Life of Pi, for me –really $60 and that’s if i could get free babysitting–a sum value of $100.
Jessica, how much money would someone have to pay you to get you to see Life of Pi? Be honest. For me it’s like $30 probably
Do you think it is super easy to win an Oscar or at least be nominated for a feature length animation because there are only like 19 of them made a year? No slight to Brave.
my call brave
OH SNAP J Hopper is here y’all!!! Jessica what would you have yelled if someone in the audience where you were sitting was yelling “THAT’S A BAD DRESS ON YOU” ceaselessly at Melissa McCarthy?
The director of Paperman should of just Duke Boys’d himself over that low booth wall and on to the stage.
Fun Fact: Christoph Waltz and Michael Haneke are distant cousins, both from Austrian theatre families. Waltz is the only person ever nominated for a Tarantino film. Also: Note that Jack Nicholson is asleep with his mouth open in the front row.
this bit rudd and mccarthy are doing is brilliant! Somebody in my audience just yelled out “THIS IS BAD” and I yelled “YR AN IDIOT” and nobody laughed
I sincerely am pleased by this award. God, could he be more adorable??? He could not be. He is the ultimate. There is no other man his equal on this earth. He seems legitimately moved.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR HERE WE GO!!!!! I want Christoph Waltz to win but he won last year. My call is oh god I do’nt know…..OH MY GOD
If Joaquin Phoenix would kiss me once on my mouth I would die a happy american. His cold brutal clapping is the greatest summation of this event that could ever be
where is Jessica??? You guys are sick of this shit!
they’re playing on my rat pack call! Another delightful dance routine. JGL is FUCKING DELIGHTFUL
that dance routine was legitimately awesome. That was delightful and tasteful. This audience is roaring with laughter. Did I tell you how I have been won over by Channing Tatum? I once described him (paraphrasing) as “a humanoid object emitting vaguely tone-based bleeps” but now I would describe myself as A FAN
Short hair is coming BACK y’all, FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“they created a container so that they could do all this tasteless shit anyway” said my old man. But that’s the lesson of Hollywood!
PRE-TAPED CALL-IN SHOW
I like this Captain Kirk joke. The low blows explained comedically!!
“jeez! Low blows,” the old man just said
god, talkies humor. what are we in for. McFarlane has a kind of old-school rat pack affability that either soothes me or makes me want to barf, I can’t tell.
god Tommy Lee Jones is such a mega babe. Would french the face off him
Do you think Seth McFarlane will make between zero and five fart jokes
ITS THE OSCARS
who serves artichoke dip with tortilla chips????????
OH MY GOD there was just an ad addressed to YOURS TRULY
still getting the hang of this live blogging thing
I think the mummy woman is 3 feet tall. Queen Latifah is simply radiant. Lets play a drinking game where whenever anyone says “magical night” we shotgun a Les Miz
who is this weird ageless mummy woman interviewing stars inside the theater? she just made a football joke. Her face is the stuff of nightmares
I should have given you my Hot Picks! Who will win Oscar’s hottest pix?
This host is telling us that each Oscar has a serial number on it so that everyone knows who has which Oscar forever. That seems really tawdry to me
my old man has just brought me a “Les Miz,” which is gin, lemon, sparkling wine, and something else. It is served in a wine glass. It is ludicrously fancy; everyone around me is staring and pointing. My glass is shining bright like diamonds in the sky. The old man is filling out his ballot.
Well here I am! Due to some last minute changes in my venue situation due to me being squeamish about sharing the illness of my dearest friend, I type to you from a theater surrounded by people eating artichoke dip. I truly hope they will not be offended by my wracking cough and frequent calls for pizza. Kristen Stewart, one of my least favorite actresses, just got shown on screen. This is truly a cavalcade of glitz and glamour today! Jessica is putting her children to bed but she’ll be here soon. WHAT WILL OSCAR BRING HOME TONIGHT