Quick Bits On Movies I Haven’t Seen Yet Or Saw And Have No Further Thoughts On

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HER

Even though I am tired of the sad sack dude movie, I admit that I love no one’s face more than Joaquin Phoenix’s and I am happy to pay money to stare at it for 2 hours. My friend group is remarkably split on this movie, which is always interesting.

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FROZEN

As a rule, I don’t see mass market animated features. The last one I saw was Wall-E and I was just monumentally disgusted. I get the technical virtuosity involved in making these things but I will never understand why grown-ass people find them emotionally compelling. I never saw “Up” either which I am beginning to think might be TOO crotchety of me. I really only like Miyazaki. Just looking at that promo image for “Frozen” irritates me.

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AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY

I will see this. Tight cast, story sounds brutal, and I read a review of it somewhere that didn’t make it sound twee like these family dramas so often are. I will watch Streep in anything, although I never saw The Iron Lady, and I love grown-up Julia Roberts playing DARK. Sign me up.

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AMERICAN HUSTLE

Boring. Felt like one of those Soderbergh movies that he half-assedly makes in 10 minutes after meeting someone interesting at a party, but without any of the charm. And I love every person in this cast! Renner was great, actually. A whole movie about that character would have been interesting.

Leonardo DiCaprio courts two hot blondes on a yacht on location for 'Wolf of Wall St.' with Martin Scorcese

WOLF OF WALL STREET

No thanks

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12 Years A Slave

Now THIS looks like a GODDAMN MOVIE.

MORE REAL MOVIES PLEASE

MORE GOOD MOVIES ABOUT REAL THINGS PLEASE, WITH REAL ACTORS ACTING IN INTERESTING WAYS IN THEM, MORE MOVIES THAT MAKE AMERICANS CONFRONT DIFFICULT SHIT INSTEAD OF JUST LAUGHING AT AMY ADAMS’ CLEAVAGE, THANK YOU

I fully expect to love this movie and if I don’t it will just be because it caused my psyche to dissolve and I am a nervous wreck

p.s. yes I know that’s an image from the film soundtrack

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INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS

Sure, I’ll see this. Why not

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ALL IS LOST

This looks TIIIIIIGHHHTTTTTTT

DF-11070-Edit - Ben Stiller in THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY.

THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY

Even though it sounds like, by all accounts, they totally fucked this movie up, I still want to see it. It’s one of the best previews I’ve seen in ages!! Ha ha ha! But I’m being serious. Grown-up twitchy Ben Stiller doesn’t bother me, for some reason, and I will see anything with Kristen Wiig in it even though I hear she is wasted here. Just seems like a really promising film that I feel like is probably not that good but I will see it anyway. It can’t be as bad as World War Z, which I was SO excited about and which was SUCH a letdown. “It can’t be as bad as World War Z” is my new “two thumbs up”

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THE MONUMENTS MEN

Who is compelled by a movie like this? Is it just pure bourgeois cocaine, the cinematic version of a David Brooks column?

My proposed tagline: “We Must Save Our Cultural Artifacts So That J.P. Morgan Can Buy Them All”

Judi Dench in Philomena

PHILOMENA

WANT TO SEE! WANT TO SEE!

I love Dench
I love Coogan
I love weird movies about old people

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CAPTAIN PHILLIPS

I know you won’t believe me, but I thought Captain Phillips was really good. Did a shockingly good job at sort of even being a dual-protagonist film (although Hanks is obviously the main dude). I honestly may never have seen a plot-driven Hollywood film do a better job at critiquing global neoliberal capitalism. It was wrenching and emo.

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NEBRASKA

Sure, I guess. thinking about this movie makes me tired. I don’t always love Alexander Payne. I do love Will Forte, Bruce Dern, and Bob Odenkirk.

I am starting to feel exhausted by all the White Dude Protagonist movies but I don’t feel like seeing The Hunger Games.

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DALLAS BUYERS CLUB

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh YEAH I WILL BE SEEING THIS MOVIE
HELL YEAH

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THE BOOK THIEF

BARF CITY

No thanks

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ENOUGH SAID

I love all of Holofcener’s movies. This looks great. Why have I not seen this yet. Every time a new Holofcener comes out it’s such a relief.

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BLUE IS THE WARMEST COLOR

Uh YEAH I want to see this movie! Are you joking me??
GIRLS
GIRLS
GIRLS
More movies about girls please

Plus whenever I hear that, like, the entire audience at Cannes or something thinks a director is “misogynist” then I know he is actually super feminist (Lars von Trier e.g.) because your average Cannes audience is not, like, how shall we say, SUPER good at critical thinking or nuanced plot interpretation

The Great Beauty aka La Grande Bellezza film still

THE GREAT BEAUTY

Oh my god ULTIMATE barf city
Did you read that New Yorker review of it? JESUS CHRIST, Anthony Lane x 12, ultimate Anthony Lane blowjob.

“Within seconds, we feel that we know this man. He yields to the moment’s embrace, yet surely he is wise to a heritage of ancient sins.”

“You could set “The Great Beauty” in America, but only if Harper Lee had spent her evenings at Studio 54”

Jep attends a piece of performance art and then “interviews the artist, picking apart her pretensions”

LOLOLOL
Sorry I had to go barf out of both ends of my body

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DON JON

You guys, this movie was GOOD. It seems impossible but it is true. It’s about real things. It’s thought-provoking! It’s about movies, too–it’s about how unrealistic representations of sex and relationships (porn and rom-coms) make people into superficial shitty narcissistic idealists. It’s about how idealism–the belief in perfection–is destructive and hateful and ultimately prevents you from interacting in a satisfying way with other humans! Idealism and the quest for perfection not only in sex/love but like in terms of obsessively pumping iron at the gym instead of playing basketball with other people. It’s about living SOCIALLY instead of all up in your own head obsessed with your own self. It’s got a cool twist involving Julianne Moore. I loved it.

I do wish Scar-Jo had gotten an opportunity to redeem herself as Jo-Go-Lev did but you can’t have everything.

Also it was funny and I laughed. Also Danza is really good in it. It’s really well-made too, just in terms of the craft of film editing and stuff. My old man, the world’s most exhausting snob, said he can’t remember when he has been so delighted by a film, so there you go. I know the previews look insufferable but give it a chance!

In conclusion school is starting and I will never go to a film again

goodbye

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2 Responses to Quick Bits On Movies I Haven’t Seen Yet Or Saw And Have No Further Thoughts On

  1. Eileen says:

    My grandparents lived in the town where they filmed A:OC for over fifty years and the last time I was there it was for one of their funerals, so. I DON’T KNOW, MAVIS

  2. Rebecca says:

    I hated Her. I left at the moment that what-I-thought-would-happen happened. It had as much substance as a frog’s f***. The best thing about it was the costume design and the inside and outside set design

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