The Bloated Capitalist Apologizes to the Working Class

Sorry for the site outage. This is what happens when people like me don’t pay their paltry “$10 suggested donation” hosting fee or whatever: the Merrill Cartel takes your blog away.
And they take it away GOOD. They twirl their moustachios and cry, “how do you like it NOW, fun-boy?”

the answer is “not.” I do not like it now.

I will pay my ten dollars suggested donation. I will pay it soon. I have been a fat, bloated parasite riding lazily on the back of the lean, cunning wolf that is the Urbanhonking empire. I am the capitalist pig to its proletariat. Did I use that word right? I get all the commie jargon mixed up. Proletariat, bourgeois, enemy-of-the-people…I’m confused.
I am the fat cat wearing the top hat twirling the gold-tipped cane, readjusting my monocle and shouting “bully!” over the din of the ticker-tape parade on Wall Street to its Bruce Willis from “Die Hard.”

I am the remora fish to its great white shark.
I am the leech to its testicles belonging to that kid from “stand by me.”
I am the puny, shrivelled mushroom to its mighty fallen log.
I am the american military to its healthcare.
I am the real estate mogul pouding my desk with my fist and firing underlings left and right while investing in oil drilling operations in Brazil to its Rambo.
I am Veruca Salt to its Charlie Bucket.

And for this I apologize. Were I brave enough to self-flagellate with a rusty cat-o-nine-tails made of barbed wire and rocks, I would. Did i own a hair shirt to wear, I would. Were I not a million miles away, I would kowtow on my knees like a street urchin before a king.

And yet I can’t, I CAN’T!

I am remembering in college when we watched “the Labyrinth,” and there’s this part where Jennifer Connelly has this realization where she’s like, “no you’re right, it’s NOT fair!…..but that’s the way it is!” like that is this intense epiphany about life for her to have. And my friend Keith said, “…and a capitalist is born!” which I thought was really funny.

Remember OJ Simpson?

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3 Responses to The Bloated Capitalist Apologizes to the Working Class

  1. Michael says:

    Note: Non of the Merrill cartel actually have the ability to grow, much less twirl, a mustache. It is kind of sad, and probably why we are so mean.

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