Awesome J Lo Diseases

The title of this entry refers to that period in his life when Jake was getting all the weird illnesses. Like he had the parasite from Africa that made him lose 20 pounds and his fingertips rotted off and his ankles swelled and he got a rash and shooting pains in his thighs and he threw up for four days and four nights. And then later he got Lyme’s Disease and couldn’t party on tour in Europe with his band.

So really only two diseases, I guess. But how many people do YOU know who have had an African parasite AND Lyme’s Disease?

Anyway, I’m pretty sure I have dysentery. Marisa told me I might, and then I started looking at symptoms and stuff, and I have every single one of them. “Dysentery usually starts with a fever and then leads to 3 to 7 days of diarrhea (with or without blood) and abdominal cramping.” There was even a symptom of feeling “down and depressed.”

Wow.

Dysentery! Marisa says I need antibiotics, but the internet says it will just go away on its own. It says I should drink gatorade, which I am doing.

I will do whatever the internet tells me.

So, I picked up my copy of the Santa Monica Daily Press today, and found an article concerning an ongoing dispute between the cities of Santa Cruz and Huntington Beach. I remember the beginning of this dispute, because I was living in Santa Cruz at the time. It all started when Huntington Beach tried to get a patent for their new city logo, which was a surfboard that said “Surf City, USA” on it. Santa Cruz, of course, totally freaked out, because DUH, Santa Cruz is obviously Surf City, USA. They invented the wet suit here! I mean there.

Legal battles and a lot of pretend-angry arguing ensued. Everyone I heard talk about it just thought it was funny, so I don’t know who the people are who are hiring lawyers and stuff. Anyway, so I pick up this paper, and there’s a story about it. About how the state Senate decreed that Santa Cruz is truly Surf City and that Huntington Beach better step off. Senate Republicans opposed this resolution, which is not legally binding. etc. The story talks about how the name “Surf City” originally comes from a song of the same title, blah blah blah. The article ends with this amazing, amazing gem:

“Senator John Campbell, a Republican who represents Huntington Beach, said the Senate should not get involved. He said neither Santa Cruz nor Huntington Beach qualifies to be Surf City under the terms of the classic song because neither has ‘two girls for every boy.'”

So, dysentery! My brother had dysentery one time when he was driving from Costa Rica to Colorado in a jeep with two biology grad students. They all got dysentery and had to puke and shit on the side of these sketchy roads patrolled by weird guerilla armies wearing ski masks and stuff. They got robbed almost every day. One time a guy tried to steal their car and my brother grabbed him and shook him by the neck and screamed in Spanish “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” He said the Spanish “came to [him] fluidly, as in a dream.” When they finally reached the American border, the guard just looked at them with true pity in his eyes and waved them on. My brother showed up in my friend’s back yard in Denver wearing a filthy, flea-infested serape and sporting an enormous beard.

So, really I associate dysentery with guerillas pointing sub machine guns at you while you puke on the side of a poorly-maintained Nicaraguan road.

I guess my situation is preferable. Man, there’s always someone with a worse story than yours.

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