I am trying to learn to be calmer. I’ve gotten so much better over the past 10 or 15 years, but I think it will always be a challenge for me. I am my mother’s daughter, and only now that she’s doing 4 hours of yoga a day has she reached a peaceful place. Stuff gets me worked up, basically. I am like Pepper from “Annie,” always yelling, “We’re NEVER gonna GET THERE!” So when my living situation is completely falling apart, with barking dog, men in my house, homeless men in the yard, and coming home to find that the refrigerator is NOT fixed, as was promised, I get worked up. And then I have to do deep breathing exercises. Because of how I am more likely than the average person to have an anger-related heart attack. So I have to put on some Earth Wind and Fire and drink my store-bought coffee and focus on the positives.

On the airplane yesterday it was funny to see everyone doing their deep-breathing exercises. It was a really small plane, and about 45 minutes from landing a toddler in the first row had a complete and total meltdown. Where he was flinging his body backward like he was having a seizure, and screaming–those baby-screams where it seems impossible such a loud sound is coming out of a small body. So he did that for about 45 minutes and then during our cool taxi, which took forever. And everyone was audibly breathing deeply and shutting their eyes and rubbing their foreheads. It’s weird how in that situation you hate the baby and want to yell at him, even though logically you know he is very stupid and doesn’t understand anything. But still, you hate him. The stewardess hated him so much. The baby looked exactly like a tiny version of M. Night Shyamalan, though, which did help me feel better. There was also a 5 year old behind me who was much too old to be behaving the way he was. Just whaling on my seat and yelling these hilariously obvious observations. “THE PLANE IS MOVING, MOM!” he would say, or “NOW WE ARE IN THE AIR, MOM!” the best one was when the baby started crying, this kid yells, “THAT’S A BABY, MOM.”

pretty good one, kid. Then, when we were all standing in the aisle waiting to get off, he literally started punching my backpack and rhythmically chanting, “I want to GO I want to GO I want to GO.” Then he said, “I WANT TO BE THE LINE LEADER, MOM,” and she said, “well you can’t.”

I don’t think I want to have a baby, but if I do I probably will not fly on a plane with it until it’s 18. “You are a man now, my son.”

This Earth Wind and Fire is really putting my ‘tude in a better zone. Just get stoked on life! And always wear the freshest styles from Ray-Ban!

“I’m SICK of workin’ 20 hours a week at the Shroodie Mart!”

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  1. dalas v says:

    Yeah dude, I didn’t fly until I was like 14 years old. Why are these babies on planes?
    Also, when such a commotion is occurring, is it acceptable to start singing “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer”? Because I always have the urge to join in to relieve my stress.
    Kind of like if you heard a drummer practicing next door it would annoy you, but if you were in a drum circle, it would be cool.
    I just have a tendency to push situations towards the surreal.

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