Today I am here to talk to you about germs. What are germs? Where do they come from? Where do they go when you wipe them away with disinfectant and/or bleach? The answer is hard to discover, so we must turn to Science. Science says that germs are tiny bugs that you can’t see, and they get on stuff that’s dirty and give you colds when you touch them. To me, that sounds like bullshit, but I’m getting a degree in music and am thus not qualified to speak authoritatively on any subject. Therefore, germs must be real. How do I know this? Because I have a sore throat. Is the sore throat viral? I don’t understand the question. Will the sore throat respond well to this coffee I am drinking, and to the additional coffee I plan on drinking in a few minutes when this current coffee is all inside of my body? Probably not. Science tells me to just take a pill for whatever ails me, but I’m going to treat my sore throat naturally, like the Native Americans did: with coffee.
Another thing the Native Americans did was live harmoniously with nature. I’m also thinking of adopting this lifestyle, in addition to my coffee-based cure for sore throats lifestyle. I think I’ll begin by buying a new bathmat online at Bed, Bath and Beyond. How does this help me live more harmoniously with nature? As everyone knows, the Native Americans had very clean feet. When I walk outside on the concrete and tar that Nature paves her bounty with, I don’t want to be disrespectful. When I drive my car to the recycling place so I can throw my hundreds of empty kombucha bottles into the huge dumpster reserved for clear glass, I think my feet ought to be clean and spiffy. A new bathmat from Bed, Bath and Beyond can help me to accomplish this goal. Our current bathmat is a horror. It is more horrifying than the most horrifying abattoir filled only with the world’s most innocent children and animals. Now that I think about it, it’s probably also covered with germs. Is there enough coffee in the house to combat this new threat? I don’t think so. I just don’t think so.
Another thing I’m going to do is finish putting the musical examples from this article I’m writing into Finale. Is it easy? No it is not. Is Finale all that intuitive or user-friendly? No it is not. Did I make any effort to read the tutorial or learn anything about the program before I began wildly inputting whole orchestral scores into it? No I did not. So is the fault mine? No it is not. However, if anyone out there knows how to do measureless notation with lyrics that will actually attach to the notes instead of just getting all smushed together once you go to page view to export it as a TIFF, I would be much obliged. The world must know what the dies irae plainchant sounds like, if they are to understand my brilliant work.
I’m also going to translate this French article which appears to be largely strings of adjectives. The Native Americans, as we all know, were translation experts. They spoke all the world’s languages, including the languages of birds. I think a decent reading knowledge of French will go a long way toward putting me in harmony with Nature, however it is hard to gain this knowledge when you (me) are so incredibly lazy that you literally can’t believe you even draw breath. The coffee doesn’t help; the bathmat won’t help; your extensive and intimate knowledge of Native American customs and traditions doesn’t help; the only thing that would help would be a little good old fashioned mental elbow grease, which seems to be in short supply when the days are hot and muggy, also when the days are brisk and invigorating, also when the days are cold and snowy, also when it’s night, also when it’s raining, and also when it’s that weird early morning Santa Monica fog.
There’s no way out but up, sister.