Shitty Movie Titles

Over brunch with my family we started brainstorming shitty movie titles. You know this spate of half-assed rom-com titles that just very baldly indicate what happens in the film, like “He’s Just Not that Into You” or “Ten Things I Hate About You” or “What Women Want” or “Get Over It” or “Something’s Gotta Give” or “Seeing Other People” or “I Think I Love My Wife” or “Why Did I Get Married” or “I Can’t Think Straight” or “I Hate Valentine’s Day” or “She’s Out Of My League” or “The People I’ve Slept With” or “Just Go With It”?

My brother in particular turns out to have a real knack for these. He got the ball rolling with “My Son’s Dating Your Daughter!” which we pictured as featuring Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson making funny mean faces at each other while two nondescript young people one of whom is possibly John Krasinski god bless him are kind of superimposed on the top of the poster looking worried.

Then a veritable fountain of them poured from his mouth, and indeed he is still texting them to me hours later. Try to imagine just the movie posters:

“It’s Not What You Think”
“I’ll See You Next Wednesday”
“She Didn’t Do It”
“He Says Tomato”
“I’m Innocent”
“Why He Did What He Did”
“I Never Wanna See You Again!”
“This Old House Needs Fixin'”
“Where Did You Go?”
“My Family Is Crazy!”
“You’ll Die Alone”
“You Shouldn’t Have Done That”
“I Was Gonna Park There!!!”
“Does This Look Weird To You?”
“Burgers For Breakfast?!?!?”
“It Was All A Dream”

To which Gary added:

“Are You Sure You’re Ready To Do This?”

To which Katy added:

“Are You Gonna Drink That?”

To which I would add:

“Are You Gonna Finish That?”
as well as
“Are You Gonna Eat That Whole Thing?”

“He Likes To Party But She Likes To Party Slightly Less And It’s Difficult For Them”

“I Deliver Pizza And You Are An Investment Banker”

“I Secretly Love My Ex-Wife Who I Hate”

Any douchebag Hollywood execs out there in interweb land feel free to send me some money and one of these wonderful titles could be yours!

“Working Title We Forgot To Change”
“It’s So Cool How We Can Write On Cocaine”
“Sodium Byproduct Marketed As A Triscuit”

Some of these are probably real, is the amazing thing. Or will be soon. All of them will star Sarah Jessica Parker, a funny dog, and a fat sexless sidekick of whatever gender the main character is.

“Now If You’ll Excuse Me”

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2 Responses to Shitty Movie Titles

  1. ro6ot says:

    sequel “I Was Gonna Park There, Too”

  2. hannah says:

    “Some of These Are Probably Real”

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