Checking In Like At A Hotel

If, like me, you are vaguely dreading the Oscars but also compelled to watch, kind of like how even when you say out loud “don’t be that guy, don’t be that guy” you can’t help but crane your neck wildly to try to see some blood and guts when you drive past a wreck on the freeway with “Kashmir” blaring from your cool car CD player, then you should come hang out at I SAW THAT, where J. Hopper and myself will be LIVE BLOGGING. There are sure to be snarky jokes, “hot picks,” rude comments, ogling (straight female variety), “fashion faux pas,” and long boring stretches where, crushed with empty-spectacle-generated ennui, we type nothing at all.

I am torn between Lincoln and Argo for my Top Pick: On the one hand, is there anything the academy loves more than a delightful movie about Hollywood changing the world? On the other hand, is there anything they love more than a jingoistic piece of dogshit directed by Stephen Spielberg? Maybe their collective heads will explode and they’ll just give the damn thing to Django Unchained. LIKE THAT WOULD EVER HAPPEN.

Oh lord.

Remember Forrest Gump? Is that when your childhood appreciation for the Oscars died, or was it when Beauty and the Beast was nominated for Best Picture? Was it Billy Crystal who struck the final coffin nail, or was it Roberto Benigni standing on the arms of Stephen Spielberg’s seat and basically crowing over beating him out for Best Picture? Actually that was kind of awesome even though that movie sucked major donkey balls.

Though Stephen Spielberg directed one of the greatest movies of all time, he has done almost nothing since that has not made me literally vomit into a garbage can with despair*.**

I got sick, as I may have mentioned, and I am not good at being sick because I rarely get sick. So I am slouching around like somebody whose foot got chopped off in a terrible assembly line accident. Not sleeping, looking barely washed. The cold turned into this endless wracking seal-cough that just goes on and on and on and is just getting wetter and wetter. I think this is a good thing because coughs should be “productive.” But what it does mean is that today in class I fully lost my voice, like I was down to maybe 10% of vocal capacity, croaking and wheezing like a maniac. And like half my class didn’t even show up anyway. And furthermore I have to do it all again in an hour and am seriously not sure what I’m going to do. Turns out it is hard to tell students about the library website when you can not speak. What if I just keeled over in front of them? Sometimes I think about what would happen. They’re good kids, I know they would leap to my aid, but how embarrassing. I wonder if a professor has ever keeled over of a heart attack or something right in the middle of class? This reminds me of my friend who was in law school when a classmate had an epileptic seizure, and while everyone else was calmly propping up his head and calling 911 and looking in his bag for medication my friend stood up on her chair and screamed HE’S DEAD I KNOW IT

She told me this story to illustrate how bad she is in emergencies, and I had to admit she had a point.

Yesterday I graded from 9:30 in the morning until 7:00 at night without stopping or eating. I paused only long enough to shove big horse pills down my dog’s throat and soak his busted paw in a mason jug of epsom salts. So, there’s just a little snapshot of my life for you.

Tonight is Friday night and I have to grade at least 10 papers to stay on top of my scheduling needs. <--most depressingly adult thing I have ever said, what's next, worrying about fiber? Maybe I will have hot toddy. Because I'm such a good girl. ALSO my old man is out of town and he took the dongle so I have to watch House of Cards on my laptop with headphones!! Did anyone ever suffer as I have suffered Note: it is only very recently that I really realized that technology now exists where like your TV is a computer, and you don't have to plug your laptop in with a dongle to watch Netflix. It will be approximately 5 more years before I fully comprehend how this works, and an additional 5 before I actually get this technology for my own home. By then it will have been obsolete for about 4 years and will immediately no longer work very well. Repeat until I die. This is fun! Goodbye *not literally **does not include Goonies

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4 Responses to Checking In Like At A Hotel

  1. Eileen says:

    You can do it! Def have a hot toddy for the throat soothing/lots of sleeping purposes. And a bath, because BATHS.

  2. BB says:

    Pretty sure Hollywood changing the world is the same thing as jingoistic k thx

  3. dv says:

    If all you want is Netflix on the TV, you can just buy the cheapest Roku player at BestBuy.

  4. Mary R. says:

    I am sorry that I do not know what a dongle is exactly, though my imagination has run rampant with ideas (all probably false). Please pat the Snoopy on the head for me and let him know that someone he has never met is wishing that he gets better soon. Dogs and dongles.

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